November ramble

It's already November! I can't believe how quickly this year has flown by and here we are nearly at the end of it. I must admit to be glad to see the back of it . This has been a particularly hard year with Hubby in intensive care and our dear little dog dying and I have suffered the death of a loved one in all but body.
Dare I say that the C word is just a few weeks away....
It's going to be an odd Christmas for me because I will be celebrating it minus the tiny plastic fairy that has sat on the top of our tree for many years. It's not lost or broken it is still packed away in the attic with all of the other twinkly bits,quite safe waiting to be sent off.
That crappy, liittle thing has always been a big part of our decorations. The tree has changed many times- real to artifical, snow sprayed to pine coned then back to real. The tinsel and the baubles from green and gold to red and gold, settling on blue and silver for many years till finally reaching the perfection of bronze, gold and orange. It matches the colour of the lounge these days instead of clashing nastily lol!.
So why am I replacing it? Is it to replace it with some fabulous less shoddy angel? No it's not. I have no idea what will adorn the top of the tree this year but I know for certain that it won't be my little plastic friend because she holds too many memories that were wonderful treasures that were stored in my heart. She was bought from somewhere long forgotten, many years ago, as a keep sake for someone I loved. I have always looked at her sitting (usually crooked) way up against the ceiling and thought of all those special years that have passed in our lives.
A little bit like a mile stone, she signified growth and the passing of time and I could never have imagined her thrown out to be replaced by something more grand. sadly the loved one concerned threw me out earlier this year. It broke my heart so literally that I cry every time I speak of it. Wrapping up those pieces into anger I waded through the summer months and eventualy felt a calm sadness that encoraged me to write to that loved one. I would like to say that it all worked out and all is well and my heart is well and truly glued back together but it's not. Instead of reconcilliation I was well and truly thrown out. I am apparently so awful to be around I would need a total personality transplant to be acceptable. If you can imagine inside of you what would be the worst and cruelest things that someone you love could say to you, and that someone was one who had often caused pain and upset over the years for all the family but chose to just enlighten you and vent all their anger and depression on you alone you can understand what I feel like.It has caused so much upset especially as she kept it going playing family members against each other.
And so I am sending that little fairy that was once so precious, to the one who broke the preciousness of a mothers heart. I could never have done something so cruel to my mother but then again I guess I love her. Unconditionally.